my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
