and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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