that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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