So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
