i'm signing you up for texting rehab
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
