Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
