I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
