dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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