I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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