I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
