Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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