She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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