I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you inspire me to be a worse person
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
