She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
