i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
