I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
