I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
