ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
