Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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