what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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