My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
