i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
A bitchslap is in order.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
