I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
