Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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