cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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