Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
