No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
