He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
