I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
