My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
