I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
