the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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