He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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