im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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