I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
