I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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