bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
