Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
