I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
