How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
