No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
