can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
