Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Randomize
