Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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