I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
