I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
