guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
