shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
