so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
