i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
