somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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