Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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