I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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