I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
