My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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