I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
