I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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