K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
