the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
