I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
