If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
