I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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