You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
