I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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