Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
