He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
